Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Learning to say NO

Has not been easy for me at all.

I am in my thirties, and I still feel like I am on day one of the 'Just say no' program. (This has nothing to do with drugs, mind you.)

All my life I have been a competitor, a fighter. Someone who wants to do everything and be the best that I can be at it. I am slowly finding out, or at least slowly acknowledging that I can't do it all. I can't be everything to every one.

But the tougher part is trying not to feel like a failure in doing so.

Because I feel like a failure. I am sitting here right now, with tears in my eyes still feeling like I should be able to take on certain things in life. I should be able to volunteer at church, at PTA, in my children's classrooms, for my kids' sports teams. I feel like I should be able to take on all the things that I see other women doing. And that I should be absolutely happy and excited about doing it. I want to be able to say 'yes' when I am asked to do something. I often feel like I should have some great excuse for not being able to do something, and all I can offer up is that I have a small baby and three other kids. It just doesn't seem like an adequate enough answer.

Sometimes I feel like I am treading water, just barely able to keep my head above the surface, while watching everyone else around me swimming away with ease. I see so many others around me and I feel like I just can't keep up.

This post, up until this point was written a week ago. I saved it and wanted to sit on it and think about it for a while before posting. As I sat down and read the words I wrote a week ago, I realize that I was really feeling the pressure of so many things. Some of those things have been resolved, and I have since said 'no' to some things which were weighing heavily on my mind.

I feel a lot better.

I still wish that I could do it all, but after some time of reflection about the things which are truly important in life, I don't believe that I am going to regret not being at a PTA meeting. I will however regret not spending enough time with my children while they were little.

I have made my choice about how I want to live my life from this point forward. I think allowing myself to not feel overwhelmed and stressed out all the time will make me a better wife and mother. And I believe that being a better mother for my children will help them tobecome the kind of people I wish the world had more of. That is going to be my contribution.

Now I just need to be able to move on and not feel bad about the choices I am making.

Thanks for stopping by!

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