Saturday, May 29, 2010

Stripped Down

I watched an Oprah today I had Tivo'd. It was amazing. It really got me thinking about my own life and how much stuff I have that I don't need. That I don't use. I started thinking about how so much of what is around me is a metaphor for my life. I try to fill my life with things. When my father died when I was 2 1/2, something went missing from inside of me. There was a huge void left there. And for over 32 years now, I have been trying to fill up that void with any number of things.....and believe me, I have gone through the list.....drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, food, purses, shoes, patterned paper, crap for my house, and so on and so on. It's so sad. I have clothes in my closet that have been there for years with the tags still on them.
I miss my dad. I know it sounds funny, because if you really think about it, I never really knew him. I guess in actuality I miss what he would have been in my life. I wish my kids could have known him. I wish I could have known him.
I think of all the "things" we have in life that fill up our time, our homes, our lives, that keep us from really being happy. From truly making progress. Sometimes I feel like I fill my time up with "worthwhile" things, while I neglect my children. Sometimes I feel so afraid of getting close to them, because if heaven forbid something were to happen to them, I don't know what I would do, so it just seems safer to keep a bit of distance. Don't' get me wrong, I absolutely love my 4 boys more than anything in the world. It's just that I have already experienced that kind of loss in my life, and sometimes I think that it would kill me if I were to experience that again. I know, though that it is inevitable that I will.
That's where my Savior, Jesus Christ comes in. He takes the things that I cannot do on my own. There are not words for the gratitude I feel for that precious gift of companionship that He bestows upon me. I could not exist without it.
This post has been quite cathartic. There is so much more I could say, but it will have to wait for another time......I have a pile of wet laundry on my lap that I need to hang to dry.......
Have a beautiful day.

1 comment:

  1. That post got me teary eyed. I haven't lost anyone close to me but I have 4 children and I couldn't imagine what they would have to go through if something happened to me or I don't know what I would do if something happened to them. I am a SAHM myself and I try to cherish the time I have with them. I can't have more kids and it is better sweet thinking about the birth of my son (back in December). It makes me sad, yet happy to look at pics of that joyous day. Great post! I became a follower. I have a "mommy blog" too.

    Have a great day! Your children are adorable!