Sunday, July 18, 2010

Food and Stuff

I have recently been cleaning out areas of the house, namely the garage and my stamping/craft room.

I have too much stuff. I have held onto way too many things for various reasons, which I have come to find out in the last few days are not the REAL reasons that I have held onto these things.

I believe that suffering a major loss (my father dying at the age of 2 1/2) has caused me to have a funky relationship with things. I have held onto things thinking that I may use them someday; that they are sentimental and need to be remembered; that someone I know (namely my children) will be able to use it someday.

All of these reasons are completely bogus.

I went through a boatload of stuff yesterday, and realized its just stuff. I can't take it with me. It doesn't make me happy....although some of the stuff from my childhood does give me a good laugh.

I have surrounded myself with stuff as a protective barrier. This barrier works in two different ways. It allows me to keep actual physical stuff between me and other people, so that I don't get too close to them. If I allow myself to get close to people, they will abandon me, leaving me broken and hurt. All this stuff has allowed me to focus on things rather than my relationships with my family and friends....with those I love. It also allows me to feel a sense of security (albeit false). Look at me! I have all this stuff! And stuff can't leave me.
Now I know you're thinking.....she wrote food in the title of this post.....where in the world does that come in?

Well, I have this same sort of crazy relationship with food. This is the best way I have to describe it with words: When there is food that I am eating, and I have had enough, and am full, but there is still food left, I feel like I have to eat that as well because if I don't it might be gone. It could just disappear. (My father did, after all, and he was a lot more substantial than a pulled pork taco!) Crazy, I know, but I never claimed that my brain works in a logical manner.
Its been a true eye opener for me to see these things in my life for what they truly are. And I'm hoping that slowly, I can be able to make peace with the things that have happened in my life, so that I can really be free from the craziness that I have allowed to have a hold over myself.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to any of you. Mostly this post was for me. It has been very cathartic.
Have a beautiful day!

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